Funny Quotes, Sayings, Status and SMS

Regardless of whether you’re searching for funny quotes only for a chuckle, to give a toast, or to ease up the state of mind at a public talking occasion, you’ve gone to the ideal spot. Peruse these funny quotes and remember a couple to assist with easing up the state of mind when it’s required. There’s nothing similar to a funny statement to loosen up a crowd of people and make them open to hearing what you need to say. Assuming you need to snicker, considerably more, investigate these funny photographs that will make you laugh hysterically.

“Funny Quotes”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
“They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
“I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist”
“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’”
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?” All the time.”
“Don’t put your wand there, boy! … Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!”
“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”
“Don’t gobblefunk around with words.”
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”
“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned”
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
“Can I come in? No! I’m in a towel! I’m blind!”
“You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!”
“Remind me,” he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, “to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?”
“The funniest people are the saddest ones”
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”
“Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! ”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
“I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?”
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won’t be avoided.”
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real.”
“To be clear, no one agrees with you.”
“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”
“I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ”
“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”
“I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”
“You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.”
“I’m bad and I’m going to hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ”
“I’m bad and I’m going to hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ”
“If you’re trapped in the dream of the other, you’re fucked.”
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
“My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.”
“Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.”
“Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.”
“I’m placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don’t know, possibly littering.”
“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!”
“Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.”
“A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.”
“I have to return some videotapes”
“If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell.”
“To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome.”
“Are you a female dog?” “What?” Massie asked. “Why?” “Because you are acting like a real bitch!”
“Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie.(Nick)”
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ”
“If we’re mad, we’re mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.”
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”
“Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up.”
Some people have relationships and some people have Patiala.
“Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.”
“I really want to work so hard. But being lazy is so much fun.”
“If College has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking.”
“I’m on a whiskey diet.. I’ve lost three days already.”
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always!”
“If you don’t care stop talking about it.”
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”
“Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me.”
“Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.”
“Fact: Phone on silent mode- 10 Missed call… Turns volume to loud- Nobody calls all day!!”
“When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…”
“Everything funnier when you’re supposed to be quiet.”
“Bitch is just a term used for girl who refuses dog’s proposal.”
“You can never buy Love….But still you have to pay for it.”
“Caution, Blind Man Driving.”
“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
“I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won.”
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.’
“I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.”
“Always wear cute pajamas to bed you’ll never know who you will meet in your dreams.”
“Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.”
“Whoever says “Good Morning” on Monday’s deserves to get slapped.”
“Save water drink beer.”
“If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers.”
“I don’t usually sleep enough, but when I do, it’s still not enough.”
“My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.”
“We are WTF generation…. WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook.”
“I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.”
“I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.”
“Try to say the letter M without your lips touching.”
“Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship!”
“Life is Short – Chat Fast!”
“I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes!”
“Milk does the body good but DAMN how much did you drink?”
“Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.”
“If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking.”
“BRB = I don’t want to talk to you. LOL = I have nothing else to say. Cool = I don’t care.”
“Who needs television when there is so much drama on Facebook?”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“Please GOD if you can’t make me slim, make my friends fat.”
“If “Da Vinci Code” has been written by Punjabi author then its name would be “Vinci Da Code”!”
“I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.”
“Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.”
“For all the girls that say ….. All guys are the same who told you to try them ALL.”
“If life doesn’t scare the shit out of you, you’re doing it wrong.”
“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.”
“Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.”
“I wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer.”
“Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.”
“God is really creative, i mean just look at me.”
“People who exercise live longer, but what’s the point when those extra years are spent at gym.”
“You can never really say what’s on your mind,” when your family is on Facebook.”
“Girls use Photoshop to look beautiful. Boys use Photoshop to show their creativity.”
“Kiss me and you will see how important I am.”
“I know the door to your heart belongs to another, but I think I can slip in through the window.”
“I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.”
“I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.”
“I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me!”
“She loves me or not but I love her a lot.”
“Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?”
“I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.”
“I love my six packs so much; I protect it with a layer of fat.’
“The question I have not been able to answer is “What… does a woman want?”
“How do people write an auto biography? I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday.”
“Dear LOL and Hamm, Thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say.”
“I am so cool; my selfie is called a kulfi!”
“Everything I like is Illegal, Immoral, Fattening, Addictive, Expensive, or Impossible.”
“I love my job only when I’m on vacation.”
“GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.”
“Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”
“People call me mike. You can call me tonight.”
“It’s been 70+ years, Tom. You’re never going to eat Jerry.”
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.”
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either.”
“Behind every successful man… There is a confused woman.”
“I follow the quote, “Always be true to you” because I only lie to others.”
“Life is too short smile while you still have teeth.”
“Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.”
“I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.”
“I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”
“Today’s Relationships: You can touch each other but not each other’s phones”.
“Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software…it’s called #Monday, please fix it.”
“The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU are “Salary is credited”.”
“I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying.”
“If Sunny Leone marries Sunny Deol, she will also become Sunny Deol.”
“If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.”
“Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.”
“I’m not short, I am just concentrated awesome!”
“Having a best friend with the same mental disorder is a blessing. LOL”
“There’s like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world… huh”
“I don’t believe that love comes to those who wait.” Today love comes to those who flirt. Loll.”
“Every time I drink I get awesome”
“My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning.”
“The only thing I gained so far in THIS YEAR is weight.”
“Whatever it is — I didn’t do it!”
“If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.”
“You can stay in my heart without paying single penny.”
“Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”
“What i if told you…you the read first line wrong… same with the second.”
“Be careful of following the masses – remove the “m” and who exactly are you following?”
“I speak two languages, Body and English.”
“I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.”
“All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.”
“If you can’t find the key to success, pick the lock.”
“I Like to study.. Arithmetic – NO … world history – NO…. Chemistry – NO…. GIRLS – YES!”
“Excuse me…. Please empty your pockets…. I think you stole my heart.”
“If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.”
“Nothing moves faster than a girl untangling herself from an ugly picture.”
“My father always told me, ‘Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.”
“When I’m a Pedestrian I Hate cars. When I’m Driving I Hate Pedestrians.”
“If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror.”
“What do girls want? EVERYTHING!”
“I am sure I have a defective iPhone, I keep pressing the home button and I’m still at work.”
“Only fools fall in love and I guess I’m one of them.”
“I can handle pain until it hurts.”
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal my status!”
“It’s better to fail than to cheat but it’s better to cheat than to repeat.”
“My biggest concern in life is actually how my online friends can be informed of my death..!”
“Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”
“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”
“True friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together.”
“When they hand you your diploma, keep moving. Just in case they try to take it back.”
“I gotta go to work today because millions of people on welfare depend on me.”
“Money can’t buy LOVE but can buy WOMAN to make LOVE.”
“Friday is my second favorite F word.”
“It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.”
“I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.”
“I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wi-Fi, and Sleep.”

Share your Favorites short quotes in comments:

These quotes can give you a superior attitude toward being alone and the sensation of depression you might endure with. Offer these with companions and friends and family to assist individuals with seeing the more splendid side of being alone or lonely.

I hope you enjoyed my collection of short quotes and captions! I’m certain you discovered something you enjoyed however in the event that there is a truly wonderful short quote I missed if it’s not too much trouble; try to share it below in the comments! We should attempt to make this post an ultimate collection of short quotes on the Internet.

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